Peter and Page April 8, 2007
Posted by prex in Love, Ramblings, Rants.add a comment
As so I don’t forget- peter posted this and I emailed back.
I dont know why I feel that facebook is the medium for expressing this, but i guess this is as good a place as any to talk about Ish.
I’ve been doing alot of thinking about Love lately ( OOO TANGENT) and not just any kind of love either.
I know tons of people say this (specially in christian circles) but the Heebs had a good thing going with the different types of love… distinction is key.
So love right- But more the context of “Love your neighbor as yourself and all that.”
- yes i realize this sounds really cheap and bull *ish, but bear with me.
Genuinely being able to Love and care for people is not an easy thing for me. Dont get me wrong, its really easy for me to socialize and all that, but I dont actually care about most people. Its a sad thing. Yes its a choice, but I dont fully understand how to get my head around it. Its not just something you say “yes” to… HOW is the question im dealing with now. But heres the kicker… and why this all relates to easter.
For me easter has largely been like christmas (that other christian holiday)… another excuse for candy. But there is a reason behind it and they always try to communicate that at church around these times… then there are the C& E christians as I call ‘em (christmas and easter) that feel like going to church in itself is something special, and that christmas and easter are EXTRA special… BAH. The reason makes sense on a certain level, but it never hits home on the level that matters- not really: not for me.
I know that God loves me, and loves all of us- hence the crucifixion and not widespread smitings- that would be my course of action atm… heh. probably why Islam is such an attractive system- but that would be another conversation entirely- a very long one. Back to lovinz… no- love; lovinz is more like snuggling. So what I dont know is the “WHY?” God loves me… loves you… loves the assholes that I cant stand and refuse to see past the faults of… and I still cant figure out why. Its something im just starting to look for. its the idea that has turned the hearts of so many amazing and REAL christians to what they are that i cant even express how much I want to find this. This is what creates that community that I read about in Blue Like Jazz- makes leaders worth following and if there is a key to life, i think that this is it.
I think back to thank you for smoking fantastic movie btw… and Nick Naylor is talking about why he wont carry around a gun… because he is a man of the people. in some sense nick loves everyone in his glorious nation (propaganda eh? eh? CIA? recruit me?) that is something that comes along with the love im talking about, he can look past the obvious crap that I focus on.
Im honestly a lot like our now deceased cat Fuzzy… He was a mean old bastard all of his life, until the end when he learned how to accept and give love right. I can give love and take it on a certain level, but im still really defensive. people dont really get to a point where im completely vulnerable with them- ever. they may know secrets, Ive gone on streaks and shizzle, but none of that matters because I have no personal inhibition and I can tough it out. thats the problem, or one of them. ive spent so much of my life and time honing myself to be able to take on the world. i cant fight decently, i can argue better than most, and there isnt really anything anyone can do or say that will wrend my world. its good and bad. it is really irritating to me when I see people torn apart by something that has happened to them, even when its stuff that deserves it, like loosing someone close to them. THAT is sad to me. Im really a sensitive person, or at least I have a sensitive personality and the potential to find that love. I live up to my name I suppose- i am the rock. But I dont want to just be another rock that the river flows over and makes smooth. I want to serve a purpose and do what God wants me to do- i dunno be a cornerstone for a castle. what does that mean? im not sure, but I know that part of it starts with “love your neighbor.”
-I really write these notes for myself, this isnt an answer that will just simply come, but I put them up so that anyone who is a part of my life can see where I am at. This is my gesture to show that what I say is what I want.
_________________________________________________________________________
Hoppy easter –I read your note.
I think it might be genetic. seriously….well honestly not gentics ( nature) but part of how we were raised (nuture).
Look at Tricia and I.
I actually “love” alot of people–but care about very few. I work on it. I try to find something beautiful in them even if they are not.
What DO i love?
I love all of you…and by you I mean family. I think I may have always but especially in recent years and my lack of friendships that last any signifcant amount of time–and lack of presence of extended family..and the fact we have all going through the same fucked upedness.
Yes each of you annoys me and we will fight at certian times…but thats love too.
I have heard a few people refereence such things lately about parents and kids and choosing to love. I didn’t choose mom and dad, neither did you or Joespeh or Trica, Alice didn’t choose me.
Love is thicker then water. I will love you all more deeply more compleatly then you will ever know. My love for you is not a choice is simply is.
When i think more globally or even locally to the people that I really don’t want to care about on the day to day level–if I can see myself not caring it is easy cause i can rationalize into remembering the bigger picture–That is someone brothe,r mother, sister, father ect and I can relate through my own love for all of you. It puts people into a human and relational level and I can let things go and breath and smile.
It’s when I am apathetic to people who i come into contact and don’t relaize I am not caring that are harder–then it is a much more self serving love. Personal gain and such.
Even people that are close to me and I have been close to in the past say say and I know I keep up defenses. I am very cut off to a certain point. No one will ever be there for me like I can be there for myself. I am extremly resilent and self reliant—see also prideful. I think this is also one of my problems with understandng God’s love for me is my pride. It is very humbling for me to watch Dad–who could take pride in what he has achieved or done but instead he is always quick to say God has blessed him.
I don’t know where I stand on alot of things right now. I know questions and searching are good.
I know I love you.
I know I miss you.
I know I am looking forward to you coming home.
I know parent child relationships are amazing things–but I don’t reccommend knocking a girl up to find that out.
I know that figureing out loves has a lot to do with figuring out yourself and that a place to start..not saying you don’t..but understanding you and your place and how you love—in cluding God– before you can love other people. Sounds cliche but I really have found that you can take that to the bank.
I dreamed about you and mom last night. I was away at school and you and mom were going to pick me up when the world started being bombed and you and mom hadn’t shown up to pick me…it is a very lost empty acidic feeling in the soul.
I love you.
Page
Protected: Before February is over. Part II March 19, 2007
Posted by prex in day2day, Future, goals, Love, Ramblings, Rants.Enter your password to view comments.
For the record… March 19, 2007
Posted by prex in Love, Music, Ramblings, Rants.add a comment
You scare the shit out of me.
….and I am so not ready.
Sex and Relationships March 19, 2007
Posted by prex in Ramblings, Rants.add a comment
I have come across several situations as of late that deal with sex and relationships on an alleged semi-fundamental level. That sex if bad can break the relationship and that sex if good can make the relationship-all other things not considered.
I think that this stems from the implications that we feel that we have someone out there “made for us” and that during sex we either were made to fit and work together–or we weren’t.
Now anyone in a relationship for any extended length of time as to witch sex gets stale can argue that all sex takes work and practice to have great sex…and I am not arguing that.
I want a guy who is strong enough to rip my head off yet smart enough to sew it back on. February 8, 2007
Posted by prex in Bitch, day2day, Future, Journal, Love, movies, Ramblings, Rants.1 comment so far
Looks aren’t everything but I want to wake up everyday and still be attracted to someone. I don’t want to have to drink to be emotional and physical.
I want a man to lead me, not follow me. I want him to live his own life while respecting mine.
I want him to know the right time and place to say and do things socially.
I want to be impressed by who he is, rather than him trying to impress me.
I want him to be strong yet gentile. Caring yet rational.
I want to laugh and to be found funny.
I want to be challanged.
Wisdom of Carl. February 8, 2007
Posted by prex in Bitch, Loop, Out and About, Rants.add a comment
You can be played or you can be a contender.
Don’t drink to fuck. Fuck to drink.
Cleaning house… December 22, 2006
Posted by prex in Bitch, blog, Creativity, Ramblings, Rants.add a comment
So I have been working on school stuff for most of the day if you couldn’t tell from the multiple postings in a row….and I needed a break and I really needed to clean my room. I have several things that really need to get done ie school work and cleaning my room that just don’t take priority over oh say playing mom and work and going to class. Which is just all this stuff looming over my head that needs to be done has to be done I want to do, but never any time to do it. SO now here it is crunch time and I am trying to do it all at once. I will let you know when i crash and burn….
So I am cleaning my room while working on a take home final and doing some video editing for the guy I T.A for and start thing about organization. My mom sucks at it, glad i didn’t inherit that from her…and so she hires someone not to clean but to reorganize the house and to do so in a “creative” way. I don’t necessarily know if creative is actual in her job description of what she does but it may be…
SO she comes in and re-organized our entire house for the most part well any part of the house my mom frequents leave the siblings and I’s bedrooms alone. At first you think it is kinda neat we have a rearranged house and it is clean. Like two weeks into it we are all pissed off an annoyed. No one can get into the new way the new way seems less functional and I am sitting here feeling like we got ripped the (*&$#(* off. I think it was more like move stuff around and say it more functional and creative then it really is. I don’t know if that is really the case or me just lashing out when things aren’t where I think they should be or i have to go to the basement to get something i use alot. But the whole concept makes me think about how highly creative things aren’t always the most functional. Reminds me of that guy who used to draw pictures of total creative and funny ways to do really simple projects. Like this…
http://blueballfixed.ytmnd.com/
and then that goes into i think intent and purpose of creativity does that make it anymore or less creative if we don’t understand or appreciate it…
Running with Scissors….Part II December 21, 2006
Posted by prex in Creativity, Out and About, Ramblings, Rants.add a comment
So I will start with Halloween last year. My sister and I did this race that was around Halloween every year and it was a 5K short three miler and it is done in costume. Now I thought it would be cute to all dress in costumes that run.
I first found Alice a cute puppy dog costume. Adorable when she walked the tail sorta had this wiggle to it.
Then I wanted to dress as a refrigerator but I wasn’t quite sure how to pull that off and still eb able to run. I thought it was a great idea…is your refrigerator running? You better catch it! I then moved on and this was the year all the Run away bride stuff had happened with that woman from Georgia who ran away and made the huge kidnapping lies and crap. So I decided to be a run away bride. Cute enough I thought. I didn’t look to hard but I checked out a few thrift stores and couldn’t find any old wedding dresses so is started looking at Halloween costume shops and you know what i figured out….people my age (20+) don’t want to dress up as Brides for Halloween, they want to dress up as Brides for weddings…it isn’t a popular costume( or made) in adult sizes unless it is a dead corpse bride….so I actually ended up buying a little girls costume with elastic and it worked out great because it was short enough on me i could actually run and not get tangled up, plus bonus it showed off my sexy garter belt!
Then there was my sister. She came up with the costume of running with scissors which i thought was also cleaver and adorable. She made this giant pair of scissors covered them with duct tape so the looked “metal” and fastened them so they really opened and closed. NO ONE got her costume. People kept asking her what she was doing. TWO people unrelated even asked her if she was a stylist. I was shocked at one but TWO people thought she was supposed to be a stylist, I thought that was really dumb, but at the same time clever because in no world would I have thought that and the fact they did kind of astonished me.
Guess who’s back! Back again! December 21, 2006
Posted by prex in Bitch, blog, computer, Ramblings, Rants.add a comment
So first of all let me rant that I didn’t have computer access from November 12 to December 19th. Thanks dad and mother nature. FIRST our home next work went down, then mother nature decided she hates us and our global warming and threw us a nice ice storm which took our power for many moons and that fried my power source on my new computer so all my school and personal stuff was fried. We finally get someone in to fix our home network, and they can’t because they need all the computers to fix it and mine is dead…so we take it to the shop..and now my dad doesn’t want to bring them back because well it is 100$ a hour and multiplied times each computer they work on ( which I didn’t know when I found the company to come fix it) and we have 7 computers on the network….so yea you do the math you mathematicians that are out there…anyway’s. I am back. Did you miss me? I missed all of you each and everyone of you that :reads” this. I hate that I am going to have to make several posts in a row which i think looses their candidness, but bare with em I have school stuff long over due and I will try to make them as spicy as possible.
Protected: James Blunt November 3, 2006
Posted by prex in Ramblings, Rants.Enter your password to view comments.
