The Pamphlet

Processing… March 27, 2007

I am sad and I don’t feel like I have many people to talk to. I have people I could call, but I don’t really think that they want to listen or really care about the smaller more trivial and life process or me growing in my life. I am sure they would hear me but I don’t really feel like they would listen or that it would really be much of a conversation.

I am lonely lately. Mainly I just want someone to spend time with. I am sick of going out. I go out a lot. I am not really happy about it. I think I drink too much. Not so much of frequency as quantity. I black out a lot. I have a hard time knowing when to stop. When I black out I am still up and moving and going and always myself…but I just have no memory. This is when I say things I probably shouldn’t and start drama with people I care about. I think I caused a fight with my brother and his girlfriend this weekend. That makes me sad. We both love him and his life is with her and I know that. I don’t mean to put him in a bad situation. My intentions are really the best.

When I think about how I have “hurt” people when I drink it makes me think I might have a problem. I don’t really think I have a problem with drinking. I think my problem is I am lonely and sad. Which is why I go out and drink.

I think I am infatuated. I felt things I hadn’t really felt before—and while this scared me it was also really refreshing…like warm sun and fresh air–it restored a sense of good and hope. What confuses me the most and why I think it is infatuation is because I know we all have faults and love is blind.

I really enjoy just the presence, I don’t even have to have their attention but knowing I a near them is amazingly calming–a sense of inner peace and contentment. Really I am happy just being close to them and spending time with them. At first I was just thinking bad timing—I am not in a hurry. A relationship is not really what I want right now while I figure things out in my own life. As I say that and I type it I am leaving it because I mean it, but at the same time I feel like this entire post is in complete contradictory to that….I will have to think on that.

The more I thought about bad timing I thought about how I would rather have a life time of friendship then fucking things up by rushing, pushing or forcing. The presence is far too valuable to be wasted. I have wasted it on others this one I am not willing to do so. I think I got drunk and said something. That makes me want to learn to moderate my drinking better. I feel like an ass.

Tonight I think I realized I am probably more infatuated and I need to walk away and let it go and take my friendship and cherish it. Putting people on pedestals leads to disappointment and hurt. My heart is already sore. I also think they are too enamored with fate and feelings. I think I am an idealist. I want to believe in love and commitment. I know both of those take work. I don’t want to wake up one day and have “fate” take that away and watch them walk away….it’s just more pain. It’s a very dangerous insecure feeling–not the inner calm. I wonder how their view on relation things meshes with their views on fate and letting things happen that were meant to be. Seems a little flakey. I think that if you’re meant to be with someone then fate may direct that but once you make that decision you stand by your choice. Seems to ring true with my inner essence–has more of a feel of character. I want to be a lifer.

I miss spending time with someone. I feel like life is really passing me by right now. I am reading a lot more…maybe if I can keep the momentum up I will go out less. I hate sitting at home doing nothing. I don’t like TV. At the moment I am entertained with reading. I bought several books last week, a varied selection. They girl at Borders commented on one of the titles….she asked me what I thought of it. I told her I hadn’t read it–but someone I had a crush on recommended it so I was reading it. She laughed and said if it was getting me to read then great. I smiled. That’s really the whole reason I am reading now. I think it is good for my brain and perspective.

I need a break from going out…maybe from life. As my dad says I am spinning my wheels to hard. I am going to have a blow out. I don’t want to hit a wall. I know I could die…what then. That would be embarrassing. Not really for me so much as who I am.

The reading has me thinking—I think about how I feel like life is passing me by. I feel like I am treading water. I don’t have a direction and I am afraid to move. I need to transition. I long for a goal. If I stay home and read more I know I will be more productive—with school work, grad school stuff and working out. I know all of that would help me regain some balance in my life and clarity in my head.

My dad said that when I was 18 I could have walked on the moon. He said now that I am 23 his life outshines mine in comparison. He doesn’t agree with a lot of my choices. I think a lot of those choices involve drinking and boys.

My dad also told me maybe when I was pregnant or shortly after that maybe I should think about getting married. This sounds weirder when you consider I wasn’t even dating anyone. He knows I need people. I need to be a part of things. Until recently I had never met anyone I could see in my future. And I mean that in the literal sense.

When you’re a little girl–or at least when I was a little girl I envisioned my future. I see marriage I see kids. I know that someone is sharing all that with me but I never see them. I just know their presence. Recently the someone one had a face. Not in all the visions— just one. This scared me shitless. I wonder sometimes if it means anything. I think I may have read too much into it.

My dad has also told me I want be happy unless I am running around with my hair on fire. I think this is true. I like to keep people on their toes and life interesting. I am reading a depressing book about sad people trapped in their lives. I don’t want to be like that.

I want to cry.not so much as  I am sad as crying is a great release. I don’t cry much.  I cried last week. It was the first time in a long time I let myself feel sorry for myself.  That was a low point.

My stomach hurts but not in the physical sense….it’s more psychological and emotional.