The Pamphlet

Peter and Page April 8, 2007

As so I don’t forget- peter posted this and I emailed back.

Easter- and an odd epiphany
by Peter Nelson (notes) 2:27am Today

I dont know why I feel that facebook is the medium for expressing this, but i guess this is as good a place as any to talk about Ish.

I’ve been doing alot of thinking about Love lately ( OOO TANGENT) and not just any kind of love either.

I know tons of people say this (specially in christian circles) but the Heebs had a good thing going with the different types of love… distinction is key.

So love right- But more the context of “Love your neighbor as yourself and all that.”

- yes i realize this sounds really cheap and bull *ish, but bear with me.

Genuinely being able to Love and care for people is not an easy thing for me. Dont get me wrong, its really easy for me to socialize and all that, but I dont actually care about most people. Its a sad thing. Yes its a choice, but I dont fully understand how to get my head around it. Its not just something you say “yes” to… HOW is the question im dealing with now. But heres the kicker… and why this all relates to easter.

For me easter has largely been like christmas (that other christian holiday)… another excuse for candy. But there is a reason behind it and they always try to communicate that at church around these times… then there are the C& E christians as I call ‘em (christmas and easter) that feel like going to church in itself is something special, and that christmas and easter are EXTRA special… BAH. The reason makes sense on a certain level, but it never hits home on the level that matters- not really: not for me.

I know that God loves me, and loves all of us- hence the crucifixion and not widespread smitings- that would be my course of action atm… heh. probably why Islam is such an attractive system- but that would be another conversation entirely- a very long one. Back to lovinz… no- love; lovinz is more like snuggling. So what I dont know is the “WHY?” God loves me… loves you… loves the assholes that I cant stand and refuse to see past the faults of… and I still cant figure out why. Its something im just starting to look for. its the idea that has turned the hearts of so many amazing and REAL christians to what they are that i cant even express how much I want to find this. This is what creates that community that I read about in Blue Like Jazz- makes leaders worth following and if there is a key to life, i think that this is it.

I think back to thank you for smoking fantastic movie btw… and Nick Naylor is talking about why he wont carry around a gun… because he is a man of the people. in some sense nick loves everyone in his glorious nation (propaganda eh? eh? CIA? recruit me?) that is something that comes along with the love im talking about, he can look past the obvious crap that I focus on.

Im honestly a lot like our now deceased cat Fuzzy… He was a mean old bastard all of his life, until the end when he learned how to accept and give love right. I can give love and take it on a certain level, but im still really defensive. people dont really get to a point where im completely vulnerable with them- ever. they may know secrets, Ive gone on streaks and shizzle, but none of that matters because I have no personal inhibition and I can tough it out. thats the problem, or one of them. ive spent so much of my life and time honing myself to be able to take on the world. i cant fight decently, i can argue better than most, and there isnt really anything anyone can do or say that will wrend my world. its good and bad. it is really irritating to me when I see people torn apart by something that has happened to them, even when its stuff that deserves it, like loosing someone close to them. THAT is sad to me. Im really a sensitive person, or at least I have a sensitive personality and the potential to find that love. I live up to my name I suppose- i am the rock. But I dont want to just be another rock that the river flows over and makes smooth. I want to serve a purpose and do what God wants me to do- i dunno be a cornerstone for a castle. what does that mean? im not sure, but I know that part of it starts with “love your neighbor.”

-I really write these notes for myself, this isnt an answer that will just simply come, but I put them up so that anyone who is a part of my life can see where I am at. This is my gesture to show that what I say is what I want.

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Hoppy easter –I read your note.
I think it might be genetic. seriously….well honestly not gentics ( nature) but part of how we were raised (nuture).
Look at Tricia and I.
I actually “love” alot of people–but care about very few. I work on it. I try to find something beautiful in them even if they are not.
What DO i love?
I love all of you…and by you I mean family. I think I may have always but especially in recent years and my lack of friendships that last any signifcant amount of time–and lack of presence of extended family..and the fact we have all going through the same fucked upedness.
Yes each of you annoys me and we will fight at certian times…but thats love too.
I have heard a few people refereence such things lately about parents and kids and choosing to love. I didn’t choose mom and dad, neither did you or Joespeh or Trica, Alice didn’t choose me.
Love is thicker then water. I will love you all more deeply more compleatly then you will ever know. My love for you is not a choice is simply is.
When i think more globally or even locally to the people that I really don’t want to care about on the day to day level–if I can see myself not caring it is easy cause i can rationalize into remembering the bigger picture–That is someone brothe,r mother, sister, father ect and I can relate through my own love for all of you. It puts people into a human and relational level and I can let things go and breath and smile.
It’s when I am apathetic to people who i come into contact and don’t relaize I am not caring that are harder–then it is a much more self serving love. Personal gain and such.
Even people that are close to me and I have been close to in the past say say and I know I keep up defenses. I am very cut off to a certain point. No one will ever be there for me like I can be there for myself. I am extremly resilent and self reliant—see also prideful. I think this is also one of my problems with understandng God’s love for me is my pride. It is very humbling for me to watch Dad–who could take pride in what he has achieved or done but instead he is always quick to say God has blessed him.
I don’t know where I stand on alot of things right now. I know questions and searching are good.
I know I love you.
I know I miss you.
I know I am looking forward to you coming home.
I know parent child relationships are amazing things–but I don’t reccommend knocking a girl up to find that out.
I know that figureing out loves has a lot to do with figuring out yourself and that a place to start..not saying you don’t..but understanding you and your place and how you love—in cluding God– before you can love other people. Sounds cliche but I really have found that you can take that to the bank.
I dreamed about you and mom last night. I was away at school and you and mom were going to pick me up when the world started being bombed and you and mom hadn’t shown up to pick me…it is a very lost empty acidic feeling in the soul.
I love you.
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