The Pamphlet

… March 28, 2007

As usual as of late I want to throw up. I finished another book. I read the Perk of Being a Wallflower. It was depressing. But I liked it. Not loved–liked. Rick my sister’s boyfriend recommended it. I left it on her bed to read.

I am trying to decide what to read next. I am thinking about

Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas by Tom Robbins–Jimmy’s recommendation

Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald- Ryan’s

or

Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser- Lo’s –who speaking of which I need to call.

I tell people that Jimmy is the first person I have ever loved more then myself, and I consider him the first person I really loved. I don’t know if that is true anymore. I mean it isn’t not true. I did love Jimmy–and of course family. *shrugs* lost in my thoughts again. Jimmy didn’t love me the way I loved him…and I now know that Danny loved and loves me more then I think anyone else. I appreciate that. I could have married Jimmy in my mind…but I never saw him in my Future the way I described last night.

I think I am at a weird mix of being to into myself and not enough into myself right now. I desperately want to be apart of something larger and bigger then myself and yet at the same time I know I have a lot of things that I need to be working on and focusing on in myself.

I am starting to wonder if I am depressed. I know my parents are just going to tell me to work out more, get more sleep and eat better. They think that fixes everything. To an extent I am sure they are correct.

The musings of a lonely twenty three year old have got to be pretty damn pathetic.

Jimmy’s book seems too carefree for me to get into right now…and Ryan’s book is to much about love for me to stay rational. I think I am going to read Sister Carrie….I hope I am not over my head.

I think I am making things to easy for them. I am practically handing them a lot. I am starting to feel very one sided and I am female I want to be strong yet fought for. I want to be pursued. I feel like they don’t know me. I want them to want to know me. I think I might blow them off till they ask me to do something or we have mutual plans. I don’t know if that will work. I hate liking my friends. I hate it when my friends decide to like me and ruin everything. I am such a hypocrite sometimes.

I am going to stop bring Alice to sleep next to me. I think it isn’t fair top her she doesn’t have a choice and I am doing it purely out of selfness and loneliness.  Sometimes growing up is hard and growing pains really hurt.