… March 28, 2007
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As usual as of late I want to throw up. I finished another book. I read the Perk of Being a Wallflower. It was depressing. But I liked it. Not loved–liked. Rick my sister’s boyfriend recommended it. I left it on her bed to read.
I am trying to decide what to read next. I am thinking about
Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas by Tom Robbins–Jimmy’s recommendation
Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald- Ryan’s
or
Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser- Lo’s –who speaking of which I need to call.
I tell people that Jimmy is the first person I have ever loved more then myself, and I consider him the first person I really loved. I don’t know if that is true anymore. I mean it isn’t not true. I did love Jimmy–and of course family. *shrugs* lost in my thoughts again. Jimmy didn’t love me the way I loved him…and I now know that Danny loved and loves me more then I think anyone else. I appreciate that. I could have married Jimmy in my mind…but I never saw him in my Future the way I described last night.
I think I am at a weird mix of being to into myself and not enough into myself right now. I desperately want to be apart of something larger and bigger then myself and yet at the same time I know I have a lot of things that I need to be working on and focusing on in myself.
I am starting to wonder if I am depressed. I know my parents are just going to tell me to work out more, get more sleep and eat better. They think that fixes everything. To an extent I am sure they are correct.
The musings of a lonely twenty three year old have got to be pretty damn pathetic.
Jimmy’s book seems too carefree for me to get into right now…and Ryan’s book is to much about love for me to stay rational. I think I am going to read Sister Carrie….I hope I am not over my head.
I think I am making things to easy for them. I am practically handing them a lot. I am starting to feel very one sided and I am female I want to be strong yet fought for. I want to be pursued. I feel like they don’t know me. I want them to want to know me. I think I might blow them off till they ask me to do something or we have mutual plans. I don’t know if that will work. I hate liking my friends. I hate it when my friends decide to like me and ruin everything. I am such a hypocrite sometimes.
I am going to stop bring Alice to sleep next to me. I think it isn’t fair top her she doesn’t have a choice and I am doing it purely out of selfness and loneliness. Sometimes growing up is hard and growing pains really hurt.
I miss… March 27, 2007
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I miss putting on cute pajamas and having someone appreciates them.
I miss shaving my legs for someone other then myself.
I miss nights where neither of us are doing anything but were together.
I miss no one.
I miss having someone.
Processing… March 27, 2007
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I am sad and I don’t feel like I have many people to talk to. I have people I could call, but I don’t really think that they want to listen or really care about the smaller more trivial and life process or me growing in my life. I am sure they would hear me but I don’t really feel like they would listen or that it would really be much of a conversation.
I am lonely lately. Mainly I just want someone to spend time with. I am sick of going out. I go out a lot. I am not really happy about it. I think I drink too much. Not so much of frequency as quantity. I black out a lot. I have a hard time knowing when to stop. When I black out I am still up and moving and going and always myself…but I just have no memory. This is when I say things I probably shouldn’t and start drama with people I care about. I think I caused a fight with my brother and his girlfriend this weekend. That makes me sad. We both love him and his life is with her and I know that. I don’t mean to put him in a bad situation. My intentions are really the best.
When I think about how I have “hurt” people when I drink it makes me think I might have a problem. I don’t really think I have a problem with drinking. I think my problem is I am lonely and sad. Which is why I go out and drink.
I think I am infatuated. I felt things I hadn’t really felt before—and while this scared me it was also really refreshing…like warm sun and fresh air–it restored a sense of good and hope. What confuses me the most and why I think it is infatuation is because I know we all have faults and love is blind.
I really enjoy just the presence, I don’t even have to have their attention but knowing I a near them is amazingly calming–a sense of inner peace and contentment. Really I am happy just being close to them and spending time with them. At first I was just thinking bad timing—I am not in a hurry. A relationship is not really what I want right now while I figure things out in my own life. As I say that and I type it I am leaving it because I mean it, but at the same time I feel like this entire post is in complete contradictory to that….I will have to think on that.
The more I thought about bad timing I thought about how I would rather have a life time of friendship then fucking things up by rushing, pushing or forcing. The presence is far too valuable to be wasted. I have wasted it on others this one I am not willing to do so. I think I got drunk and said something. That makes me want to learn to moderate my drinking better. I feel like an ass.
Tonight I think I realized I am probably more infatuated and I need to walk away and let it go and take my friendship and cherish it. Putting people on pedestals leads to disappointment and hurt. My heart is already sore. I also think they are too enamored with fate and feelings. I think I am an idealist. I want to believe in love and commitment. I know both of those take work. I don’t want to wake up one day and have “fate” take that away and watch them walk away….it’s just more pain. It’s a very dangerous insecure feeling–not the inner calm. I wonder how their view on relation things meshes with their views on fate and letting things happen that were meant to be. Seems a little flakey. I think that if you’re meant to be with someone then fate may direct that but once you make that decision you stand by your choice. Seems to ring true with my inner essence–has more of a feel of character. I want to be a lifer.
I miss spending time with someone. I feel like life is really passing me by right now. I am reading a lot more…maybe if I can keep the momentum up I will go out less. I hate sitting at home doing nothing. I don’t like TV. At the moment I am entertained with reading. I bought several books last week, a varied selection. They girl at Borders commented on one of the titles….she asked me what I thought of it. I told her I hadn’t read it–but someone I had a crush on recommended it so I was reading it. She laughed and said if it was getting me to read then great. I smiled. That’s really the whole reason I am reading now. I think it is good for my brain and perspective.
I need a break from going out…maybe from life. As my dad says I am spinning my wheels to hard. I am going to have a blow out. I don’t want to hit a wall. I know I could die…what then. That would be embarrassing. Not really for me so much as who I am.
The reading has me thinking—I think about how I feel like life is passing me by. I feel like I am treading water. I don’t have a direction and I am afraid to move. I need to transition. I long for a goal. If I stay home and read more I know I will be more productive—with school work, grad school stuff and working out. I know all of that would help me regain some balance in my life and clarity in my head.
My dad said that when I was 18 I could have walked on the moon. He said now that I am 23 his life outshines mine in comparison. He doesn’t agree with a lot of my choices. I think a lot of those choices involve drinking and boys.
My dad also told me maybe when I was pregnant or shortly after that maybe I should think about getting married. This sounds weirder when you consider I wasn’t even dating anyone. He knows I need people. I need to be a part of things. Until recently I had never met anyone I could see in my future. And I mean that in the literal sense.
When you’re a little girl–or at least when I was a little girl I envisioned my future. I see marriage I see kids. I know that someone is sharing all that with me but I never see them. I just know their presence. Recently the someone one had a face. Not in all the visions— just one. This scared me shitless. I wonder sometimes if it means anything. I think I may have read too much into it.
My dad has also told me I want be happy unless I am running around with my hair on fire. I think this is true. I like to keep people on their toes and life interesting. I am reading a depressing book about sad people trapped in their lives. I don’t want to be like that.
I want to cry.not so much as I am sad as crying is a great release. I don’t cry much. I cried last week. It was the first time in a long time I let myself feel sorry for myself. That was a low point.
My stomach hurts but not in the physical sense….it’s more psychological and emotional.
Fairies March 23, 2007
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It is funny, my entire life for almost as far back as I can remember I have been enchanted by Fairies. I don’t know when it happened but tonight I felt that the mysticism had died. It did not pass tonight–I don’t know when it left…but it is tonight that I noticed that it is gone. Perhaps it is hidden or misplaced. But I do not feel it inside of me.
Tattoo Part Two March 20, 2007
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So for those of you who read this and keep up with me I thought I would add some more.
More musing on my tattoos I don’t have and my never get.
I have been toying with the idea of getting part of my family crest tattooed on my side rib cage. I have seen a couple recently on females I think are very attractive. That being said also completely coverable. So–anyways I was thinking a lion in heraldry as a throw back to our Irish side and due to the fact I am a Leo (lion here too) and he has a crown which is also a throw back to Leo and semi religious undertones thought I don’t consider myself religious. Then he is holding a scepter of a fleur-de-lis which is very important to me because I am VERY fond of the fleur-de-lis idea due to the fact I have lived and will probably live in St. Louis then I will anywhere else in my entire life. Then on a scroll underneath him i want written in Latin my family’s coat of arms motto. “Palmam qui meruit ferat’ Let him who has earned it bear the palm. In other words almost a sign of identification, achievement and prestige. Such as they gave palm leaves in historical times to victors. I feel that my last name is a very significant and powerful thing. Although I also exclude that to my immediate family and people we choose to bring into it through birth or marriage. Such as, my daughter she was born in. I was born in. My mom married in and anyone me, my sister or my brothers chooses is a right that if we have taken the time and looked and chosen you it is a great honor to be apart of our clan. And while I may be a feminist, I am not so far out, I do want to take my husbands name and I want my children to have his name but they will forever be apart of our family- starting with my dad. They have earned the palm to be one of us.
Also going on that tangent–i have a fairly common last name–thousands of us–from all over very doubtful were all related so I was thinking about like trying to have heraldry make a comeback and I thought it would be funny if everyone with the same last name no matter how old or where they came from repped it. The idea amuses me!
So that lion sorta and with the banner that reads something else….otherwise just script down my side. I dunno probabaly won’t happen but i like ot think about it.
Protected: Before February is over. Part II March 19, 2007
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For the record… March 19, 2007
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You scare the shit out of me.
….and I am so not ready.
Sex and Relationships March 19, 2007
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I have come across several situations as of late that deal with sex and relationships on an alleged semi-fundamental level. That sex if bad can break the relationship and that sex if good can make the relationship-all other things not considered.
I think that this stems from the implications that we feel that we have someone out there “made for us” and that during sex we either were made to fit and work together–or we weren’t.
Now anyone in a relationship for any extended length of time as to witch sex gets stale can argue that all sex takes work and practice to have great sex…and I am not arguing that.
