Kings of Leon…True Love Way–first of many April 12, 2007
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“True Love Way”
I want in, like a substitute
I’ ve been working awful hard for you
But you dont say, you just hold your breath
So I can’t touch what I haven’t yet
She’s a poor one and it hurts me so
And it’s a dark path and a heck of a cold
And she can feel me like she did before
Oh we’d be so free
Happy alone
Sharing a smile
So far from home
Push in and I pull it away
It a hard part but the true love way
Till you want it like I want it now
With your smart mouth and your killer hands
With a potion oh that I have made
For a young man its a heck of a wage
And i feel crazy when I see your face
Cuz we’d be so free
Happy alone
Sharing a smile
So far from home
And we would laugh
Laugh till we cry
Making a song
Making me lie
And people say i’m crazy for walking this town
And people say i’m bigger for walking this town
And people say maybe that its coming around
And people say i’m bigger for walking a…
And we’d be so free
Happy alone
Sharing a smile
So far from home
And we would laugh
Laugh till we cry
Making a song
Making me lie
Happy alone
Peter and Page April 8, 2007
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As so I don’t forget- peter posted this and I emailed back.
I dont know why I feel that facebook is the medium for expressing this, but i guess this is as good a place as any to talk about Ish.
I’ve been doing alot of thinking about Love lately ( OOO TANGENT) and not just any kind of love either.
I know tons of people say this (specially in christian circles) but the Heebs had a good thing going with the different types of love… distinction is key.
So love right- But more the context of “Love your neighbor as yourself and all that.”
- yes i realize this sounds really cheap and bull *ish, but bear with me.
Genuinely being able to Love and care for people is not an easy thing for me. Dont get me wrong, its really easy for me to socialize and all that, but I dont actually care about most people. Its a sad thing. Yes its a choice, but I dont fully understand how to get my head around it. Its not just something you say “yes” to… HOW is the question im dealing with now. But heres the kicker… and why this all relates to easter.
For me easter has largely been like christmas (that other christian holiday)… another excuse for candy. But there is a reason behind it and they always try to communicate that at church around these times… then there are the C& E christians as I call ‘em (christmas and easter) that feel like going to church in itself is something special, and that christmas and easter are EXTRA special… BAH. The reason makes sense on a certain level, but it never hits home on the level that matters- not really: not for me.
I know that God loves me, and loves all of us- hence the crucifixion and not widespread smitings- that would be my course of action atm… heh. probably why Islam is such an attractive system- but that would be another conversation entirely- a very long one. Back to lovinz… no- love; lovinz is more like snuggling. So what I dont know is the “WHY?” God loves me… loves you… loves the assholes that I cant stand and refuse to see past the faults of… and I still cant figure out why. Its something im just starting to look for. its the idea that has turned the hearts of so many amazing and REAL christians to what they are that i cant even express how much I want to find this. This is what creates that community that I read about in Blue Like Jazz- makes leaders worth following and if there is a key to life, i think that this is it.
I think back to thank you for smoking fantastic movie btw… and Nick Naylor is talking about why he wont carry around a gun… because he is a man of the people. in some sense nick loves everyone in his glorious nation (propaganda eh? eh? CIA? recruit me?) that is something that comes along with the love im talking about, he can look past the obvious crap that I focus on.
Im honestly a lot like our now deceased cat Fuzzy… He was a mean old bastard all of his life, until the end when he learned how to accept and give love right. I can give love and take it on a certain level, but im still really defensive. people dont really get to a point where im completely vulnerable with them- ever. they may know secrets, Ive gone on streaks and shizzle, but none of that matters because I have no personal inhibition and I can tough it out. thats the problem, or one of them. ive spent so much of my life and time honing myself to be able to take on the world. i cant fight decently, i can argue better than most, and there isnt really anything anyone can do or say that will wrend my world. its good and bad. it is really irritating to me when I see people torn apart by something that has happened to them, even when its stuff that deserves it, like loosing someone close to them. THAT is sad to me. Im really a sensitive person, or at least I have a sensitive personality and the potential to find that love. I live up to my name I suppose- i am the rock. But I dont want to just be another rock that the river flows over and makes smooth. I want to serve a purpose and do what God wants me to do- i dunno be a cornerstone for a castle. what does that mean? im not sure, but I know that part of it starts with “love your neighbor.”
-I really write these notes for myself, this isnt an answer that will just simply come, but I put them up so that anyone who is a part of my life can see where I am at. This is my gesture to show that what I say is what I want.
_________________________________________________________________________
Hoppy easter –I read your note.
I think it might be genetic. seriously….well honestly not gentics ( nature) but part of how we were raised (nuture).
Look at Tricia and I.
I actually “love” alot of people–but care about very few. I work on it. I try to find something beautiful in them even if they are not.
What DO i love?
I love all of you…and by you I mean family. I think I may have always but especially in recent years and my lack of friendships that last any signifcant amount of time–and lack of presence of extended family..and the fact we have all going through the same fucked upedness.
Yes each of you annoys me and we will fight at certian times…but thats love too.
I have heard a few people refereence such things lately about parents and kids and choosing to love. I didn’t choose mom and dad, neither did you or Joespeh or Trica, Alice didn’t choose me.
Love is thicker then water. I will love you all more deeply more compleatly then you will ever know. My love for you is not a choice is simply is.
When i think more globally or even locally to the people that I really don’t want to care about on the day to day level–if I can see myself not caring it is easy cause i can rationalize into remembering the bigger picture–That is someone brothe,r mother, sister, father ect and I can relate through my own love for all of you. It puts people into a human and relational level and I can let things go and breath and smile.
It’s when I am apathetic to people who i come into contact and don’t relaize I am not caring that are harder–then it is a much more self serving love. Personal gain and such.
Even people that are close to me and I have been close to in the past say say and I know I keep up defenses. I am very cut off to a certain point. No one will ever be there for me like I can be there for myself. I am extremly resilent and self reliant—see also prideful. I think this is also one of my problems with understandng God’s love for me is my pride. It is very humbling for me to watch Dad–who could take pride in what he has achieved or done but instead he is always quick to say God has blessed him.
I don’t know where I stand on alot of things right now. I know questions and searching are good.
I know I love you.
I know I miss you.
I know I am looking forward to you coming home.
I know parent child relationships are amazing things–but I don’t reccommend knocking a girl up to find that out.
I know that figureing out loves has a lot to do with figuring out yourself and that a place to start..not saying you don’t..but understanding you and your place and how you love—in cluding God– before you can love other people. Sounds cliche but I really have found that you can take that to the bank.
I dreamed about you and mom last night. I was away at school and you and mom were going to pick me up when the world started being bombed and you and mom hadn’t shown up to pick me…it is a very lost empty acidic feeling in the soul.
I love you.
Page
Today April 3, 2007
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I walked the entire lengeth of the outter loop in forest park. One hour and eighteen minutes….you have to start somewhere. I am sun burnt and rocking a sweet sports bra tan.
… March 28, 2007
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As usual as of late I want to throw up. I finished another book. I read the Perk of Being a Wallflower. It was depressing. But I liked it. Not loved–liked. Rick my sister’s boyfriend recommended it. I left it on her bed to read.
I am trying to decide what to read next. I am thinking about
Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas by Tom Robbins–Jimmy’s recommendation
Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald- Ryan’s
or
Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser- Lo’s –who speaking of which I need to call.
I tell people that Jimmy is the first person I have ever loved more then myself, and I consider him the first person I really loved. I don’t know if that is true anymore. I mean it isn’t not true. I did love Jimmy–and of course family. *shrugs* lost in my thoughts again. Jimmy didn’t love me the way I loved him…and I now know that Danny loved and loves me more then I think anyone else. I appreciate that. I could have married Jimmy in my mind…but I never saw him in my Future the way I described last night.
I think I am at a weird mix of being to into myself and not enough into myself right now. I desperately want to be apart of something larger and bigger then myself and yet at the same time I know I have a lot of things that I need to be working on and focusing on in myself.
I am starting to wonder if I am depressed. I know my parents are just going to tell me to work out more, get more sleep and eat better. They think that fixes everything. To an extent I am sure they are correct.
The musings of a lonely twenty three year old have got to be pretty damn pathetic.
Jimmy’s book seems too carefree for me to get into right now…and Ryan’s book is to much about love for me to stay rational. I think I am going to read Sister Carrie….I hope I am not over my head.
I think I am making things to easy for them. I am practically handing them a lot. I am starting to feel very one sided and I am female I want to be strong yet fought for. I want to be pursued. I feel like they don’t know me. I want them to want to know me. I think I might blow them off till they ask me to do something or we have mutual plans. I don’t know if that will work. I hate liking my friends. I hate it when my friends decide to like me and ruin everything. I am such a hypocrite sometimes.
I am going to stop bring Alice to sleep next to me. I think it isn’t fair top her she doesn’t have a choice and I am doing it purely out of selfness and loneliness. Sometimes growing up is hard and growing pains really hurt.
I miss… March 27, 2007
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I miss putting on cute pajamas and having someone appreciates them.
I miss shaving my legs for someone other then myself.
I miss nights where neither of us are doing anything but were together.
I miss no one.
I miss having someone.
Processing… March 27, 2007
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I am sad and I don’t feel like I have many people to talk to. I have people I could call, but I don’t really think that they want to listen or really care about the smaller more trivial and life process or me growing in my life. I am sure they would hear me but I don’t really feel like they would listen or that it would really be much of a conversation.
I am lonely lately. Mainly I just want someone to spend time with. I am sick of going out. I go out a lot. I am not really happy about it. I think I drink too much. Not so much of frequency as quantity. I black out a lot. I have a hard time knowing when to stop. When I black out I am still up and moving and going and always myself…but I just have no memory. This is when I say things I probably shouldn’t and start drama with people I care about. I think I caused a fight with my brother and his girlfriend this weekend. That makes me sad. We both love him and his life is with her and I know that. I don’t mean to put him in a bad situation. My intentions are really the best.
When I think about how I have “hurt” people when I drink it makes me think I might have a problem. I don’t really think I have a problem with drinking. I think my problem is I am lonely and sad. Which is why I go out and drink.
I think I am infatuated. I felt things I hadn’t really felt before—and while this scared me it was also really refreshing…like warm sun and fresh air–it restored a sense of good and hope. What confuses me the most and why I think it is infatuation is because I know we all have faults and love is blind.
I really enjoy just the presence, I don’t even have to have their attention but knowing I a near them is amazingly calming–a sense of inner peace and contentment. Really I am happy just being close to them and spending time with them. At first I was just thinking bad timing—I am not in a hurry. A relationship is not really what I want right now while I figure things out in my own life. As I say that and I type it I am leaving it because I mean it, but at the same time I feel like this entire post is in complete contradictory to that….I will have to think on that.
The more I thought about bad timing I thought about how I would rather have a life time of friendship then fucking things up by rushing, pushing or forcing. The presence is far too valuable to be wasted. I have wasted it on others this one I am not willing to do so. I think I got drunk and said something. That makes me want to learn to moderate my drinking better. I feel like an ass.
Tonight I think I realized I am probably more infatuated and I need to walk away and let it go and take my friendship and cherish it. Putting people on pedestals leads to disappointment and hurt. My heart is already sore. I also think they are too enamored with fate and feelings. I think I am an idealist. I want to believe in love and commitment. I know both of those take work. I don’t want to wake up one day and have “fate” take that away and watch them walk away….it’s just more pain. It’s a very dangerous insecure feeling–not the inner calm. I wonder how their view on relation things meshes with their views on fate and letting things happen that were meant to be. Seems a little flakey. I think that if you’re meant to be with someone then fate may direct that but once you make that decision you stand by your choice. Seems to ring true with my inner essence–has more of a feel of character. I want to be a lifer.
I miss spending time with someone. I feel like life is really passing me by right now. I am reading a lot more…maybe if I can keep the momentum up I will go out less. I hate sitting at home doing nothing. I don’t like TV. At the moment I am entertained with reading. I bought several books last week, a varied selection. They girl at Borders commented on one of the titles….she asked me what I thought of it. I told her I hadn’t read it–but someone I had a crush on recommended it so I was reading it. She laughed and said if it was getting me to read then great. I smiled. That’s really the whole reason I am reading now. I think it is good for my brain and perspective.
I need a break from going out…maybe from life. As my dad says I am spinning my wheels to hard. I am going to have a blow out. I don’t want to hit a wall. I know I could die…what then. That would be embarrassing. Not really for me so much as who I am.
The reading has me thinking—I think about how I feel like life is passing me by. I feel like I am treading water. I don’t have a direction and I am afraid to move. I need to transition. I long for a goal. If I stay home and read more I know I will be more productive—with school work, grad school stuff and working out. I know all of that would help me regain some balance in my life and clarity in my head.
My dad said that when I was 18 I could have walked on the moon. He said now that I am 23 his life outshines mine in comparison. He doesn’t agree with a lot of my choices. I think a lot of those choices involve drinking and boys.
My dad also told me maybe when I was pregnant or shortly after that maybe I should think about getting married. This sounds weirder when you consider I wasn’t even dating anyone. He knows I need people. I need to be a part of things. Until recently I had never met anyone I could see in my future. And I mean that in the literal sense.
When you’re a little girl–or at least when I was a little girl I envisioned my future. I see marriage I see kids. I know that someone is sharing all that with me but I never see them. I just know their presence. Recently the someone one had a face. Not in all the visions— just one. This scared me shitless. I wonder sometimes if it means anything. I think I may have read too much into it.
My dad has also told me I want be happy unless I am running around with my hair on fire. I think this is true. I like to keep people on their toes and life interesting. I am reading a depressing book about sad people trapped in their lives. I don’t want to be like that.
I want to cry.not so much as I am sad as crying is a great release. I don’t cry much. I cried last week. It was the first time in a long time I let myself feel sorry for myself. That was a low point.
My stomach hurts but not in the physical sense….it’s more psychological and emotional.
Fairies March 23, 2007
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It is funny, my entire life for almost as far back as I can remember I have been enchanted by Fairies. I don’t know when it happened but tonight I felt that the mysticism had died. It did not pass tonight–I don’t know when it left…but it is tonight that I noticed that it is gone. Perhaps it is hidden or misplaced. But I do not feel it inside of me.
Tattoo Part Two March 20, 2007
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So for those of you who read this and keep up with me I thought I would add some more.
More musing on my tattoos I don’t have and my never get.
I have been toying with the idea of getting part of my family crest tattooed on my side rib cage. I have seen a couple recently on females I think are very attractive. That being said also completely coverable. So–anyways I was thinking a lion in heraldry as a throw back to our Irish side and due to the fact I am a Leo (lion here too) and he has a crown which is also a throw back to Leo and semi religious undertones thought I don’t consider myself religious. Then he is holding a scepter of a fleur-de-lis which is very important to me because I am VERY fond of the fleur-de-lis idea due to the fact I have lived and will probably live in St. Louis then I will anywhere else in my entire life. Then on a scroll underneath him i want written in Latin my family’s coat of arms motto. “Palmam qui meruit ferat’ Let him who has earned it bear the palm. In other words almost a sign of identification, achievement and prestige. Such as they gave palm leaves in historical times to victors. I feel that my last name is a very significant and powerful thing. Although I also exclude that to my immediate family and people we choose to bring into it through birth or marriage. Such as, my daughter she was born in. I was born in. My mom married in and anyone me, my sister or my brothers chooses is a right that if we have taken the time and looked and chosen you it is a great honor to be apart of our clan. And while I may be a feminist, I am not so far out, I do want to take my husbands name and I want my children to have his name but they will forever be apart of our family- starting with my dad. They have earned the palm to be one of us.
Also going on that tangent–i have a fairly common last name–thousands of us–from all over very doubtful were all related so I was thinking about like trying to have heraldry make a comeback and I thought it would be funny if everyone with the same last name no matter how old or where they came from repped it. The idea amuses me!
So that lion sorta and with the banner that reads something else….otherwise just script down my side. I dunno probabaly won’t happen but i like ot think about it.
Protected: Before February is over. Part II March 19, 2007
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For the record… March 19, 2007
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You scare the shit out of me.
….and I am so not ready.
